Advice on a sales letter pitch.

[geti]

Hopefully this doesn't cross any forum guidelines, but I would like some feedback on a marketing issue. My company operates in the niche market of Titanium ring manufacture in the UK and we find it very difficult to get potential clients to even view our range (ie. retail jewellers). This is a copy of a promotional letter that I am working on and, from a marketing point of view, do you think it would be effective or are there parts that need changing? Or is it all c**p? (Hopefully not)

I look forward to comments good or bad.

Note: This is genuine and I admit that it does look like a promotional spam attempt so if the moderator feels that some editing is required I won't be offended
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Modern, exotic, contemporary. All words that you associate with Titanium. This year, more than ever, this mystical element is gaining importance in the jewellery market and more and more retailers are stocking it. You may be stocking a selection of Titanium rings already, if not I can virtually guarantee that a close competitor to you is.


What can you do? Dismiss it as a fad? We have been producing our rings for 8 years of our 40 year company history and only now have they started to snowball. The Americans have had them for 25 years and they are still going strong. We don’t expect this material to peak in the near future, that’s why we are investing in more modern technology to bring out the full potential of this wonderful material.


We want our company to grow with the importance of Titanium and for that we need your help. We have set ourselves a target to double our customer base within 2 years. Therefore we need 150 new customers. Would you like to join us? We only manufacture high quality products and do not even attempt to compete with the prices that you can get from Far East manufacturers. Where we are different is in our designs, service, location and pride in a job well done. Where we are also different is the fact that we are the only company in the UK producing a range of Black Zirconium rings. For those of you unfamiliar with Zirconium, it is an upmarket sister metallic element to Titanium and not to be confused with CZ’s.


I don’t want to drone on and lose your interest, hopefully, if you have read this far, you are a little bit curious. Curious enough to want to see our products. The quickest way is to visit our trade website (address above), the second way is to ring for an appointment. We will be happy to come along at your convenience to show you our range.


GETi. The ultimate word associated with Titanium.

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[Brian Turner]

This sticks out:

We want our company to grow with the importance of Titanium and for that we need your help. We have set ourselves a target to double our customer base within 2 years. Therefore we need 150 new customers. Would you like to join us?

Rather than trying to focus on selling benefits to the customer, you're essentially writing a begging letter - "please help us, we need more customers". I don't think that's going to be very appealing for many potential customers.

[bizal]

er

A lot shorter
No bullit points
USP not made clear
Needs stronger calls to action
Begging is a big no
The letter is about you and not the prospect.
Format is v bad

[geti]

Thank-you for the reviews.
I've amended it to, hopefully, reflect your advice - see what you think. Luckily I didn't send any out !
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Modern, exotic, contemporary. All words that you associate with Titanium.

This year, more than ever, this mystical element is gaining importance in the jewellery market and more and more retailers are stocking a selection. You may be stocking a range of Titanium rings already, if not I can virtually guarantee that a close competitor to you is.

What can you do? Dismiss it as a fad? We have been producing our rings for 8 years of our 40 year company history and only now have they started to snowball. The American market has had them for over 25 years and they are still going strong. We don’t expect this material to peak in the near future, that’s why we are investing in more modern technology to bring out the full potential of this wonderful material.

Many of our customers have found that a Titanium range has increased their profits by joint sales. Couples, on many occasions, want the convenience of buying both rings from one shop. Jewellery for men is very limited and as Titanium can have the look of Platinum without the price tag, the appeal is clear.

We want our company to grow with the importance of Titanium. Where we are different is the fact that we are the only company in the UK who will resize Titanium rings and so eliminating a common stumbling block against stocking Titanium.

Combining high quality, with a broad range of designs and excellent customer service makes GETi the ultimate word associated with Titanium.

Call **** *** **** for an appointment, we will be happy to come along at your convenience to show you our range or, alternatively, visit our trade website detailed above for more information.

[Brian Turner]

We want our company to grow with the importance of Titanium.

Still focusing on yourself, not consumer.

See how that sentence reads if you change "our" for "your".

[geti]

Thank you Brian, you're right, it completely changes it for the better.

Regards,

Alan

[garyk]

No headline! You must have a compelling benefit oriented headline that draws the reader to the letter.

Then follow up the headline with a paragraph explaining the offer.

As Brian says everything should be focused on the customer not your business so remove all we/our/us where possible and use you/yours

No P.S. Can be useful to restate the main benefit or offer

No call to action? I want to buy how do I do it?

Gary

[bizal]

still far to long

look at your letter like this

/\


i.e. at the top big statement i.e. discounted xxxxx,
as you progress down use more words so your next line would be something like

We are offering the fasted delivery of xxxxx to your door and we can also provide
.
.
.
.

Then add company credibility statements, more detail etc.

Sorry but your letter is v dull and does not make me want to read it. People glance at things and IF something catches thier eye they will read a bit more and a bit more etc.

[geti]

Okey dokey, slowly but surely I think we're getting there. Is this any better? There aren't many instances where I can change 'our' to 'your' and the actual letter is a lot more visual with images of rings placed in the text which, unfortunately, I can't show you here.

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Increase sales and profit.

GETi Titanium provide quality, hand finished Titanium rings, we can also offer:

• Manufacture of bespoke designs.
• Titanium ring engraving service.
• Fast turnaround if required.
• Large varied range of designs.
• The only UK manufacturer of Black and coloured Zirconium rings.

Many of our customers have found that a Titanium range has increased their profits from joint sales. Couples, on many occasions, want the convenience of buying both rings from one shop. Jewellery for men is very limited and as Titanium can have the look of Platinum without the price tag, the appeal is clear.

We want your company to grow with the importance of Titanium. Where we are different is the fact that we are the only company in the UK who will resize Titanium rings and so eliminating a common stumbling block against stocking Titanium.


Combining high quality, with a broad range of designs and excellent customer service makes GETi the ultimate word associated with Titanium.


Call **** *** ****for an appointment, we will be happy to come along at your convenience to show you our range or, alternatively, visit our trade website detailed above for more information about special offers and promotions.



Yours sincerely,

[garyk]

The headline! I would say the single biggest success/failure of any sales letter is down the headline. You MUST get across a compelling offer that the reader is then almost forced to read on from. Think about every time you pick up a newspaper you read each story based on its headline not the content of the story. Most copywriters advise thinking up 100 (yes thats one hundred) different headlines for a sales letter and picking the best 5 or 6. You really need to get yourself a good book on copywriting.

Gary