Humour thread

[Brian Turner]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're gotta be bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah... well... you started it!"

[Brian Turner]

A Father's Pride...



Four friends who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The 1st guy said "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder-- and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The 2nd guy said "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The 3rd man said "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion.

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?

The 4th man replied "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper in a nightclub." The three friends said "What a shame....what a disappointment." The 4th man replied "No,! I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him, and he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

[Brian Turner]

The Pub



A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

[Brian Turner]

Men Are Just Happier People.



What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes. One color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. !

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

You don't freakout when you go to a party and see another man wearing the same shirt,instead you become buddies.


No WONDER men are happier...

[Brian Turner]

Bubba and Homer



Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze. Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin' an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"

Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,

"I don't think so, but it shore would make us even." Bubba and Homer

[Brian Turner]

Bad news



Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a six-pack of Miller Lite.

Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer."

Bill says,"Well, not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"

She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

[Brian Turner]

Nancy's cat



Little Nancy was in the garden, filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, and I've just buried him." The neighbour laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f...ing cat."

[Brian Turner]

That's a new name for it!



It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it."Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[Brian Turner]

Tattooed Privates



An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo".

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates", he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well", said the accountant, "one, I like to watch my money grow; two, once in awhile I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and four - instead of you going out shopping on the weekend, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."